The Beep

Ahhhh the joys and frustrations of city living.  The other day it was some lost soul (trying to be helpful?) using my husband's shovel to dig trash dirt out of the street, then throwing said trash dirt into my husband's wheelbarrow filled with good dirt we were going to use in our garden... WTF?

And now it's a mystery beep. This is day 5 of an incessant high pitched 'beep'-ing sound that beeps once at 1 minute intervals coming from some indeterminate location in our neighborhood block. Yes, we timed it. It never stops. Day 1: I was initially intrigued-- where is it coming from? This phase quickly turned to a state of paranoia-- is it a bomb?  Day 2: I tried to embrace the beep, to 'surrender',  as a self help book I'm currently reading tells me to do to the unknown variables we can't control. Day 3: I thought it had disappeared, and oddly enough, for a split second I missed the now familiar sound-- was I befriending my captor as Patty Hearst had? Day 4: When will it end?  Day 5: After being away from home, I walk into the door and the first thing I say to hubs is 'beep'. Success--we have finally figured out what it is-- someone's fire alarm is low on batteries in the huge apartment building across the street... they are obviously out of town. We've called the manager of the building and it's this whole process they have to go through since the tenant isn't there.

But it's not really about the beep, is it? Maybe I'm getting too philosophical about this, but I feel like there's a life lesson in here somewhere. I'm trying to be at peace with the beep, and all that it represents--which goes against every cell of my being. The beep could be my 2 year old throwing a tantrum, or my husband making a huge mess in the kitchen I just cleaned.

People go on intense meditation retreats, learning how to let it all go and reach this 'zen state' despite hunger, fatigue, uncomfortable conditions. I once bought this super cute meditation chair to inspire me to meditate, and before I even had a chance to use it, my cat puked all over it--- that was kind of a 'zen kill'. Somewhere between being a person with that kind of hard core meditation discipline, and my neurotic tendencies is my idea of a balanced person, I guess. The question is how to get there without turning into someone who sounds like a self help novelist or a yoga instructor.

Dandelions are starting to sprout up all over our neighbor's yard (damn renters!)-- the weed's presence makes me uncomfortable, in a way that only fellow gardeners can understand. I want to rip them out of my neighbor's yard and it is so hard to restrain myself--I have to admit that I actually have pulled a couple of them out.

 

Too many options

When did this 'indecisive-ness' set in?  Is being indecisive the same as having a fear of commitment?
It's kind of amazing that my husband and I moved in together in less than a year, & got married a year after that-- we chose each other and committed to a 'forever' together, even had a child (!)-- based on our recent past and present, you would think we were total commitment-phobes.  We have test driven 18 cars (and counting) over the past year-- owned a Subaru Outback for less than 24hrs, and returned it... who does that, you ask? We do.  There are way too many options!  Goldilocks had three poridges to taste, and easily found the one that was just right-- in this information age of options, ratings, reviews it's unbelievably overwhelming. Can you imagine if we could own a car for 24 hrs to 'make sure', or sleep in your potential future home, just to test it out?

We are in the process of picking a preschool for our kiddo, and that is a daunting task.  Yes, I realize it's just preschool, in the scheme of things-- but you hear about teachers putting sleeping pills in sippy cups, shooters in elementary schools-- and the thought of putting my little one in school at such a young age just makes me feel selfish since I don't currently work.  No school seems to have the exact right feel, hours and price tag--so you either have to compromise somewhere (something's gotta give), open up your own preschool, or there's always homeschooling-- and, let's face it, I am not a 'together' enough parent to do the last two options. But at least I can own up to that. So, in the interest of keeping my options open, I have put down payments on more than a couple of schools to reserve spots. How American of me.

I think part of this new indecisive me was born the same day as our kiddo Griffin. Questioning if I was doing things right, making the 'best' decision (welcome to the world of parenthood).. The 'old me' would fearlessly (spastically?) make a decision without flinching, and reserve the right to change my mind. Overly Confident? Maybe. Flakey? Probably. So maybe this indecisiveness is a growing pain, part of becoming an adult--or maybe I'm just indecisive? I can't decide!